I have lots of notes in my phone. Wifi passwords, to-do lists, one that just says "white stick tac" which I can actually delete because I finally bought some after nine months, quotes from books. Y'know the drill.

But there's one that I wrote in there a couple of years ago. It's something that I read on a church sign. The note in my phone simply says:

"The degree to which I am influenced by Christ is the degree to which I can influence others."

I also have a note titled "Sermon Stuff" and it's full of profound one-liners from my pastors' sermons (duh). I was scrolling down through that note the other day because I wanted to see what the most recent sermon note is that I wrote down, and I smiled at myself and scoffed a lil bit when I read it.


Because it's really appropriate for the season of life that I'm in right now.

"Take God's hand and do the next thing."

A couple of posts ago (Who Am I? + The Vision.), I said that I have some plans for the fall, and I made a comment about the fact that y'all will just have to keep an eye out to find out about those plans. 👀

Well here they are!

At the beginning of September I'll be heading to Montréal for four months to do a music and church-planting internship. I could fill this post talking in more detail about that whole situation, but instead I'll just give you a little plug that I have a support letter written up that gives you my whole story! So send me a message, a text, an email, a carrier pigeon note, or whatever if you'd like my support letter sent your way!

While I think that my internship adventure in September through December will be an exciting opportunity, and I know that I'll grow a lot, and be stretched, and learn a TON, excitement isn't the number one emotion that I'm feeling about all of this.

I'm terrified, my dudes. I don't enjoy change. Like, I cried a WHOOOLE lot in April because I knew that I'd be graduating and ending my Bible college journey and I wasn't ready and willing to let it go.

And now I'm having a hard time being ready and willing to move to another province for four months where I won't know anyone, I'll have to make new friends, speak another language (some of the time, at least), live with people I don't know, take the metro (aka subway) by myself all the time, and so on and so forth.

Yikes.

However! In the midst of my apprehension and fear, God is constantly prompting me to take His hand and do the next thing. Because I know that He has influenced me and He wants to use me to influence others for His glory. And I also know that I can't live in my parents' house forever and just refuse to do new things, nor do I actually want to refuse to do new things. I just take longer to warm up to the idea than other people do, hahaaa.....

But fo' real, God has been gooood! My family is supportive of this endeavour (even though they only just got me back after four years of being in college - sorry guys 😓), my friends are constantly expressing their excitement and being sounding boards for my worries, my boyfriend is willing to long distance it for four months (thank uuuu 😘), my church is praying for me, collecting my funds, and excitedly sending me.

And that's not even where the blessings end!

The two pastors who I'll be working with at the church in Montréal have been sending me emails, texts, posting Facebook comments, you NAME it about how excited they are that I'm choosing to come alongside them and join their team and support their church! And just yesterday, the other intern, whose time in Montréal will be overlapping with mine a lil bit, added me on Facebook and sent me a message saying that she's willing to answer any questions I may have. And she's going to be praying for me as I prepare to come to Montréal. That speaks volumes to me. Prayer is so powerful and it always leaves me simply in AWE of God and fellow Christians when someone who I don't even know is willing to step out, add me on social media, be there for me, and pray for me.

All of this to say, I may be afraid, I may be apprehensive, but I am definitely ready to step out in faith, take God's hand and do the next thing. I'm ready to trust God as I travel cross-culturally to another church and another province, because I have been influenced by Christ and by extension, I want to influence others for His glory.

When I was a teenager (it's funny that I can say that... #adultlife) and I would go to weddings, I would experience a certain amount of loneliness. I would always boil it down to the fact that I was a hormonal, single, young person, and while it was exciting to see my friends get married, it was also kinda sucky because I was a hormonal, single, young person.

View from a boathouse I found while exploring during a weekend wedding getaway

"Loneliness is simply what happens when we grow up and realize we have a universe inside of us to which no other person has access, and that every other person contains an unknowable universe as well."

I feel justified in my thought as a ten year old now, knowing that at that point I hadn't yet "grown up and realized" what that quote was talking about.

As much as I began to learn as I got older that loneliness is a real thing that I'd have to face, it's been interesting, at the past two weddings I've attended, to really experience that in a practical way as a non-single person.

It reminded me of the vitally important lesson that my boyfriend/husband can/will never fully be able to meet my needs.

I will still be lonely. As a girlfriend. As a wife. As a mother. As a grandmother.

And that is not any fault of my (or your) boyfriend (or girlfriend or wife or husband). Being lonely is simply what happens as a result of being human.

All of this being said, your significant other will also experience loneliness because, SURPRISE, they're human too! And it's definitely important for both of you to be there for each other and support and comfort one another in your loneliness.

But it isn't your significant other's job to get rid or your loneliness, and it must be remembered that your significant other did not cause your loneliness. It is simply something that happens to both of you as a result of being human.

This is why it's so necessary and helpful for me to rely on God and trust Him - making the conscious choice to walk with Him each and every day, trusting Him to guide me, comfort me, love me, lead me, and bear my burdens.

"Praise be to the Lord, to God our Saviour, who daily bears our burdens." {Psalm 68:19} 

Today is the three year anniversary of my blog! With that in mind, as well as the fact that I'm a graduate and my life is no longer heading in a direction that is centered around school, I figured what better time than now to write a post sort of re-introducing myself for the newer readers, as well as sharing what my vision is for this blog in the coming months and years as I move into the "real world".

That's me.

So, who am I? Let's start there.

I've been slowly reading through this book called Loveable by one Kelly Flanagan, and I came across a paragraph that hit me right where it matters; it struck a chord on a topic that I'm really passionate about.

"...We gaze into body mirrors, searching for the answer to our question of identity, and the shameful message slowly and subtly seeps into us: I am my body. I am my skin, my shape, my measurements, my weight, my firmness, and my youthfulness. I am my body, so I can make myself a better me by changing my appearance and preserving my youth. I can diet and exercise and poke and prod and have surgeries and get injections and buy more products. The numbers on the scale tell me who I am. The people who like or reject my body tell me who I am. The mirrors in the dressing room tell me who I am."

Ouch. Yuck. Ew. I hate that paragraph so much and yet I'm saddened and ashamed to say that I also relate to it a lot.

Or at least I used to. 

Back in the cringe-y days of high school, the days that I like to look back on as little as absolutely possible, I started to struggle with thoughts like: 'I'm not big, but I'm also not as small as some girls.' It was a simple thought, a quick comparison, but it still proved to be destructive. I shake my head, and my heart breaks when I think back to who I was and the painful thoughts I had only a mere six or seven years ago.

Kelly Flanagan talks further on in the chapter about the fact that:

"You can't think less about something by trying to think about it less...Whether you are looking at your body to judge it or accept it, you're still looking at your body. When you try to accept your body by focusing on your body, you are trying to solve the problem by practicing the problem."

And THAT is what was hard for my fifteen or sixteen year old self in high school. The more I focused on my body, learning to love it, realizing that my identity wasn't found in my body, the more I ended up disliking my body, not loving it, and feeling like my identity was found in it.

(Okay so maybe this post is sounding depressing? Let me change the mood real quick folks.)

I don't hate my body now.

It all started with stopping. Stopping the hatred, stopping the strict focus on what I was consuming (read: eating), stopping the thoughts that my worth was found in my body. It wasn't easy, and I couldn't do it cold-turkey. If I'm being completely honest here (which I want to be!), I'm still prone to struggling with some of those thoughts to this day, but it's all about stopping yourself when those thoughts come. Grabbing hold of them, and being kind to yourself by saying "NO. This stuff isn't true."

Something else that helped to shift my focus were certain posts that I would see on social media. Spoken like a true millennial, I know. But I'm serious! The amount of tweets that I would see to the effect of: "My life would be so much easier if I was just twenty pounds lighter...". Ugh. No no nooo. Things like that anger me and break my heart. Because no. You'll still be in debt, you'll still get into fights with your mom, your boyfriend will still hang up on you when you're being whiny (maybe idk), you might not get that promotion, that homework assignment will still be due tomorrow. Whether you weigh 210 pounds or 120. Your weight doesn't define you!

I really think that when I was in high school and seeing a bunch of other young impressionable people my age posting about wanting to be thinner was the breaking point for me. I was able to stop focusing on my own body and think about the situation as though it was someone else. It's easier for me to be objective.

And this chapter in Kelly Flanagan's book struck me right to my core because he points out something that I love advocating for, something I LOVE reminding my friends of. He points out what happens because of the fact that we spend so much time looking into mirrors.

"If you're focused on your body image - positively or negatively - you'll never get around  to focusing on your soul image. If you search for your identity on the surface of yourself, you'll never get around to searching for it underneath, at the center of yourself. What if you forgot about your body so you could remember your heart?"

Because, my dudes, your heart is really where it's at. I've met nice, loving, caring, make-me-laugh-til-my-face-hurts type people who society wouldn't say are "skinny".  I've also met people who fall into the same category of nice, loving, caring, make-me-laugh-til-my-face-hurts type people who are as thin as I sometimes wish I was. But then I take a step back from the situation and remember that their worth isn't in their body.

And neither is yours. So lets quit looking in mirrors, quit hating our bodies, and start looking beyond that, beneath that (trust me, I know it's tough - but we've gotta start somewhere!), and realize that our soul image is what truly matters.

Check out Kelly Flanagan's book here and if you wanna buy it (10/10 would recommend), you can do that here.

I'm sitting on the floor of my bedroom at my parents' house, surrounded by boxes, bags, books, and clothes. I graduated two days ago. I have a Bachelor's degree. Life is crazy, life is overwhelming, life is surreal, but life is good.

At the graduation banquet on Friday night, they had all of the graduates stand around the perimeter of the room, we all got prayed for, and then the song My Story was played. First of all, I was SOBBING. Partly as a result of the end-of-year emotions taking over, and partly because of the truth in the lyrics of the song.

If I told you my story, you would hear Hope that wouldn't let go...
You would hear Love that never gave up...
You would hear life - but it wasn't mine...
If I should speak, than let it be of the grace that is greater than all my sin...
Of the kindness of Jesus that draws me in...
To tell you my story is to tell of Him.

The song has so many powerful, beautiful, and truth-filled lyrics that I could relate to in my journey of faith, and my journey throughout my undergrad.

Something that I've been reminded of a lot throughout this school year, and especially in the last couple of weeks, is how awesome God is, how involved He longs to be in every part of our story, and that He is able to do far more than anything we could ever ask for or imagine.

In the chapel at my school this year, we had a banner at the front of the room that was constantly reminding me of this truth over the past eight months.

I'm going to be graduating in fourteen days.

Recently I've ben reflecting on my time at Bible college and all of the different things that I've learned. Because, let's face it, these past four years have been incredibly formational and have grown and changed me into the woman I am today.

I've laughed a lot, I've cried a lot, I've written so many papers, I've consumed insane amounts of coffee, I've considered dropping out of school at least twice per semester, but now here I am. We made it fam.

I'm ready to say goodbye and leave it all with a piece of paper in my hands in two weeks.

HAAAAAAaaa, can u imagine.
And when I say "I'm ready", I mean I'm absolutely not ready in the least. As in I've cried every single day in the month of April and I'm surprised that I still have tears left in my body. But I'm learning that emotions are okay. And it's okay that I'm not entirely happy and excited to graduate like people keep telling me I should be.

I could likely write a novel talking about all of the things that I've learned throughout the four years that I've been living on campus and working on completing my undergrad, and completing it well. But I thought the most concise thing to do would be to write a lil letter to my seventeen-year old self, the one who was packing up her stuff, preparing to move away from home and live away from her family for the first time ever. She never thought she'd be able to survive it, by the way. But here she is, writing to you now. God is good.

So, dear seventeen-year old me:
Here are four things I've learned throughout the four years of my Bachelor's degree.


1. Emotions are O K A Y.

Those who know me well know that I don't like to deal with my feelings. I'm an everything-is-fine-all-the-time typa girl. But let's get real. Everything is NOT always fine. And that's okay!!! I mean, I still don't like crying in front of people, but it happens sometimes. And I'm learning that it's actually easier to admit when I'm having a crummy day instead of putting on a smile with the rest of my makeup in the morning. Being real is gooooood.
But maybe not with everyone. It's not really encouraging if I tell everyone about my sucky day. But close friends should know, and if you spend time with them on the daily, they may figure it out on their own.

2. Getting out of your comfort zone is super important.

Struggling with social anxiety makes leaving my comfort zone a daunting task, however every time I've done something out of my comfort zone throughout my undergrad, I've always felt a sense of accomplishment.
In my public speaking class last semester, I actually wrote my final speech on the topic of how important it is to get out of your comfort zone, and I distinctly remember saying: "In your young adult years, one of the most formational things you can do is get out of your comfort zone and do things that you wouldn't normally think you could do." It's definitely scary, but it's always worth it.

3. Being a responsible adult is a necessity.

Getting eight hours of sleep. Saying "no" to hanging out with someone when you know you have an assignment due. Making sure you eat enough, drink enough water.
People like to tease me for going to sleep at 11:30 instead of staying up until 3:00. They make comments about me being "awake and responsible" in the mornings. But it's really been hitting me during my fourth year that eventually I can't use the excuse of "Oh I'm a college student" "I'm not a full-fledged adult, lol." So let's start acting like responsible adults now instead of putting it off until you've graduated and are actually a "full-fledged adult".

4. You don't know everything. (And you don't need to.)

One of my professors has this saying: "Once you realize that you don't know everything, you're ready to graduate."
Marks have always been important to me, ever since I was in elementary school. I remember getting my first D in grade five, and coming home, handing my test to my mom really quickly and then going to my room and sobbing because I thought I'd be in so much trouble! I didn't realize at age ten that my parents' love for me wasn't conditional based upon my grades.
I didn't come to fully understand my professor's saying until I was sitting in his office a month ago. I made a comment to him about wishing that I was doing better in one of his classes, and feeling like I should be doing better because I'm a fourth year student. But he just looked at me, gave me a knowing look, one that those who know him would recognize, and said, "It sounds like you're ready to graduate."
I don't know everything. And that's okay.


And here's a lil bonus lesson/reminder for y'all. Let's call it "a shout out to those who took five years to complete their four year degree". Which is totally cool, by the way! I got to spend an extra year with some of my friends that way.

5. God is always faithful.

This lesson was really made clear to me in a significant way this past week. In our final chapel of the school year (and the final chapel service of my undergrad!!!) the music team played the song "Never Once" by Matt Redman, and I'd never heard it before so I just stood there listening to it, and in a few moments I was crying. (Note to self: see lesson #1 - emotions are OKAY.)
The song begins with the words "Standing on this mountaintop, looking just how far we've come, knowing that for every step, You were with us." It's such a powerful song that talks about scars and struggles being a reality in life, but knowing that God is always faithful, and He'll never leave us to walk alone. And that is absolutely the story of my undergraduate experience, as well as the story of my life, really.

"And be sure of this: I am with you always, to the very end of the age." {Matthew 28:20} 

All our lives long we can exaggerate about many things; but we can never exaggerate our obligation to Jesus or the compassionate abundance of the love of Jesus to us." {Frederick Faber}

I came across this quote as a Facebook memory that I'd posted three years ago. And I still love it. And I've been thinking about it all morning. I know it's still morning, but I came in to work at 8:00 so I've been up for a while, O K A Y?

Source: Annie Splatt; unsplash.com

We exaggerate about a LOT.

I'm starving.

I suck at everything.

I have so much to do; I'm dying.

Have you ever stopped to think about all the things we complain and exaggerate about? And have you ever noticed that the majority of stuff we exaggerate and complain about is negative? We don't often exaggerate about how amazing we are at cooking, playing the piano, staying focused on an assignment. We rarely exaggerate about how much we love others, how much we love Jesus.

But we should.

Think about that quote. We can never exaggerate the compassionate abundance of the love of Jesus to us. Isn't that amazing? I'm pumped about it!! Because while it's not great that we complain about much, this quote is saying that we can never over-exaggerate about the love that Jesus has for us. Because it's unconditional; it's never-ending; it's unfathomable by our finite human minds.

Isn't that insane?!

The quote also says that we can never exaggerate our obligation to Jesus. Now, this has nothing to do with works; it's saying that we're obligated to do things for Jesus in order to gain his favour. What it's saying is that Christ suffered and was crucified, and He died so that we could have the opportunity to receive eternal life, if we so choose to believe in Him. We can never repay Jesus for the sacrifice that He made on our behalf on that Cross. With Easter having occurred last weekend, this imagery is fresh in my mind and heavy on my heart. And the amazing, insane, unfathomable thing about Jesus' sacrifice for us? He doesn't ask us to repay Him. Which I'm definitely thankful for, considering I just stated that we never could.

Y'all. Jesus is so awesome! I'm grateful that we can never exaggerate the compassionate abundance of the love of Jesus to us. And I long to live my life in such a way that displays that, even though I cannot repay Him - nor am I asked to - that my obligation is to Him alone. I'm not in the business of living my life for the sake of other humans. All of my life is for His glory!

Last week I was reading in Luke 10 and I came across a verse that I really needed to hear. Luke 10:41-42 says:

"But the Lord answered her, "Martha, Martha, you are anxious and troubled about many things, but one thing is necessary. Mary has chosen the good portion, which will not be taken away from her."

I felt a lot like Martha last week. I was prepping for my graduation recital and I was all over the place about it. I was anxious and troubled about many things. I had been practicing forever so I felt like I was just about ready to sing all the songs in my sleep. But I was also nervous and anxious and emotional because my recital was just another reminder that I'm truly actually graduating in just under five weeks. In the twenty-four hours before my recital, I sobbed so much. About graduation. About having prepared for my recital so much and it would all be over so quickly. It was cringey.

My nervous and anxious feelings were making me short-tempered and making me want to be grumpy with people, and be rude and unkind. But obviously I didn't actually want to do that because I love my friends and I want to be kind and loving as often as I can be.

My nervous and anxious feelings also made me realize that I need Jesus. Because I know that He is the only One who can supply me with the peace, kindness, and grace that I so desperately need.

But why do we all too often act like Jesus isn't enough?

At my church, I sit in the area among all of the young people. And there's something that I notice we do a lot, and I say "we" because I am just as guilty as anyone when it comes to this. And let's be honest, I know it's not just the young people at my church who do this. I just happen to sit amongst the young people every Sunday. When it comes time for the sermon, we start texting our friends, playing games on our phones, struggling to stay awake. It's like the music and the prayer times are just sexy enough to keep our interest, but the Word of God and the teaching that comes from it are not.

But why is that? Why can we not focus on a sermon for thirty minutes? We can focus on an episode on Netflix for forty-five minutes, but we're out here saying that Jesus is Lord, He is everything to us, and yet we can't even stay focused on the teaching from His Word!

I don't know folks. I don't have answers to these questions of mine, other than the fact that we live in a fallen world, which is why I said that I am just as guilty in this area as any of the people that I attend church with.

To bring this full-circle, my nervous and anxious feelings about my recital helped me to realize yet again that I need to keep Jesus at the center of my life always. Because without Him I would have just been short-tempered and grumpy with my friends all week. And heck, I know that even with Jesus I still failed last week and needed forgiveness (So if you're reading this and you go to school with me, I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry - I'll do better this week).

I needed strength from the Holy Spirit in order to feel peace last week, to be gracious and loving and kind to those around me. Because if it was up to me, I would have been snippy with everyone up until my recital was done. But I had to remember that Jesus is enough. He deserves my time, and judging by how I feel my recital went, I know that He honoured the time I'd spent with Him and He gave me peace, grace, rest.

"Martha, Martha, you are anxious and troubled about many things, but one thing is necessary."

Lately I've been working my way through reading the Gospels. I'm currently reading in Mark, and two verses that really stuck out to me the other day were Mark 6:30-31:

"The apostles returned to Jesus and told Him all that they had done and taught. And He said to them, "Come away by yourselves to a desolate place and rest a while." For many were coming and going, and they had no leisure even to eat."

Dudes. I relate to that last sentence so much. I'm prepping for my graduation recital which is less than two weeks away now (!!!!!), I had two papers that I had to grind out over the weekend because they were late, and not because I just didn't feel like doing them, but because I've been so busy that I didn't even realize they existed. And I have a major research paper due at the end of the month that I've given absolutely no time to because I'm trying to prepare adequately for my recital. I feel like I have no leisure to eat either!

Everything feels so important. Everything needs to be a priority right now. Because I'm preparing myself to graduate in seven weeks. OKAY, who knew that fourth year would be sooo crazy?!

I've been finding that I need to daily take time by myself to rest a while. There aren't really any desolate places per se, especially when I'm living on a campus full of college students. But that's no excuse.

I have to make time for the things that deserve my time. My graduation recital? My papers? They definitely deserve my time, especially if I'm planning to graduate - which I am.

But what deserves my time more than my recital and my homework? That would be Jesus. And I'm slowly learning to take that more and more seriously. And let's face it, it's not always practical for people to wake up and read their Bibles right away. Like, I am a morning person for sure, but I still can't bring myself to wake up an extra thirty minutes earlier than I normally do when I already have an 8:30 morning class that I'm getting up for.

And that does not mean that Jesus isn't important to me! It frustrates me that some people truly think that you "love Jesus less" if you wait to read your Bible and spend some quality time with Him over your afternoon latte instead of your morning coffee.

I'm a morning person in the sense that I love to get stuff done - papers, recital practicing, internship tasks - in the morning, right after breakfast. And then in the afternoon I carve out a chunk of time where I "come away by myself to a desolate place and rest a while", like Jesus commands his disciples to in Mark 6. During this time I read my Bible (currently reading Mark [as previously stated]), a chapter or two of whatever soul-feeding book I'm into at the time (currently: Captivating by John and Stasi Eldredge), and then I'll sometimes journal as well.

And even if I've done a lot of practicing for my recital, had coffee with two different friends, met with my internship supervisor, and finished a paper all in one day, I still find that the most fulfilling and satisfying thing that I've done that day was spend quality time in a desolate place with Jesus. Because He's the One who gives me peace from all the craziness and busyness of these final seven weeks of my Bachelors degree. My friends who I have coffee with, my internship supervisor - I love them all. But they cannot feed my soul, love me unconditionally, and give me peace in the perfect way that my Heavenly Father can.

So don't sweat the busy times. In our culture it seems that everyone is always busy all the time and if you're not busy then OH MY WORD, you've gotta find more stuff to do so that you can tell your friends that you're busy too! Whether you're busy or not, remember to take time each day to rest in a desolate place, for it is only the soul-feeding Truths of our God that will bring you peace. Make time for the things that deserve your time.

You know all of those popular quotes about everything ending up okay in the end? Yeah, I always find those to be super inspirational and helpful.

Until I'm actually in a situation where I need to remember that everything is going to be okay.

Source: Larm Rmah; unsplash.com

It's been a long week y'all. And I'm sitting here this morning good-naturedly chuckling and rolling my eyes at myself. Because when things get tough, I seem to forget every single time that God has been constant, good, and faithful. But He is. Always. And I'm here at the end of an emotionally exhausting week to say that God is really really good, and I'm thankful that His mercies are new every morning.

In addition to it being the end of a long week, it's also the beginning of a brand new month (!!!).

For the past three years, March has been pretty bittersweet, as it's the last full month of school. But this year it's my last full month of school... ever. So that's scary.

Right now, my focus is on my graduation recital, as well as wanting to finish my courses and my internship well. Reading week was last week, and most of the time I do a lot of homework over reading week and then I come back feeling burnt out, unrested, and unmotivated. But last week I didn't do very much homework at all. Although I was ever so slightly stressed about that, I've gotten a lot done this week and I'm actually feeling motivated and rested and ready to SLAY these last eight weeks of school.

I've really been trying to be more excited about the uncertainty of life, and let me be honest and tell ya that it's pretty tough. I'm learning that I'm much more impatient than I ever thought I was, which is a bit of an annoying realization. I'm praying lots and trying to wait on God's timing, but I really just want to know what's going to happen!! But can you blame me? Some post-graduation plans I thought I had just fell through so it's back to the drawing board, and I don't know how to not do homework, just to name a couple of my thoughts.

But I'm realizing every day that I need to keep going back to how I started this post. Basking in God's goodness, consistency, and faithfulness. I know that I have a place to live after graduation, I've had a couple of cool opportunities presented to me recently, so I guess I don't have absolutely no idea what post-graduation life looks like.

And really, it's all pointing me more and more to Christ, and pushing me to rely on Him constantly and trust Him with everything.

So it'll all be okay in the end, right?

A great blessing that comes along with going to school is some of the amazing people that I get to meet. For example, one of my professors is also an author and I love her, so I've read two of her books.

There's a quotation from one of her books that's really been consuming my mind over the past few days.

"Specifically, I pray for something I have never actually tried praying for before: I ask with all I am that my embittering desires be lifted from me. I kneel in the grass and ask God to remove everything that is not a desire first and foremost for Him. I was beginning to see that when we live in perpetual breaking of that very first and rudimentary commandment, the whole house of cards falls. And for good reason. God must be the Alpha and Omega of my desire if I am to truly live, or else my desires will consume me and I will die not only the Great Death, but countless little deaths landing like stinging nettles on exposed skin, every hour of every day." (Carolyn Weber, Holy is the Day)

Yikes, that's a lot to take in, right!? But it's so gooooood.

And it's what I want in life. I want God to be the Alpha and Omega of my desire. I want to truly live. I want to desire things - people, places, missions, ministries, a career - that first and foremost glorify God.

So I've been following in Dr. Weber's steps and praying that prayer. I've made it my mission to pray it every day this week. I've asked that "my embittering desires be lifted from me", that God will "remove everything that is not a desire first and foremost for Him." And what have I learned so far?

Nothing yet. Not a thing.

Well okayyy, that's not true. I've been learning that it's hard. For two main reasons.

1. Naturally, I want what I want. (We all do. It's the way of the human race.)

I'm fighting against myself here, and my own natural desires. So I need to pray Dr. Weber's prayer repeatedly. Because it's one thing for me to read that quotation and say "Hey, yeah. That's awesome. That's so true, and something that I should probably pray too." Aaand then pray it once and go on with my life, continuing to seek my own desires.

It has taken years of ups and downs, and lots of conscious thought and effort on my part to come to the place where I've realized that seeking God and keeping Him as the Alpha and Omega of my desire is truly how I want to live my life at all times. And as a result of that, I'm recognizing that I need to continuously pray for my embittering desires to be lifted from me. Because naturally I'll want to hang on to my own desires.

But that doesn't mean that I give up. It means that I pray all the more and seek God more and more, because I love Him more than I love the things in life that I think I want. Which leads me to the second reason.

2. How do I know that a desire is from God and not my own?

Y'all, I have no idea as of yet. Which is why I need God, and why I need prayer. I'd be losing the fight against myself and my own desires if I just believed that after praying for God to remove everything that isn't first and foremost a desire for Him, that suddenly every desire within me is from Him and for Him. Praying for discernment in this is so necessary. 

It's a journey, peeps. And it's not always an easy one. But it's so worth it. As Dr. Weber says in her book "God must be the Alpha and Omega of my desire if I am to truly live."

Don't just take it from me and Carolyn Weber though; Jesus Himself is an example of One longing to keep God as the center as well. In Luke 22 He says:

"...Nevertheless, not my will but Yours be done." (Luke 22:42)

So let's follow in Christ's footsteps, recognizing that God must be the Alpha and Omega of our desire.

I've been feeling pretty mess-like recently, so I thought that that would make writing this post a simple feat. However, I've been working on writing this for at least two weeks and have made so many changes and edits.

And tbh, I think that's because oftentimes humans make other humans believe that being a mess isn't acceptable. Or maybe I just make myself feel that way...? But I can't be the only one, can I?

It's important to be a mess."

I think I agree with that, and I think we push messiness under the rug as much as we possibly can. At least I know that that's what I do. But oftentimes we miss the point...

We don't realize how important it is to be messy. 

'You're crazy.' You might be thinking.

'How can it possibly be "important" to be a mess?'

'Being messy is no fun.'

Yup, I'm still there with ya. Being a mess can feel so exhausting. However...

A lot can be learned in the mess. In the hard stuff. The times wherein you cry more times than you can count in a day. The times when you can't sleep at night. The times when you have to overcompensate for your usually bubbly personality when you're with friends just so that no one will ask you "what's wrong?".

I've done a lot of that lately. And I'm pretty tired of it. And I'm frustrated with myself for it too.

Because I too have been missing the point.

'So what's the point of all this pain and mess, exactly???'

Let me say, first of all, that it may be different for some people.

I've realized, though, that the point of the pain and mess for me in this specific instance was that I lost sight of my focus. I wanted immediate relief from the constant darkness, sadness, anger, and confusion that I was feeling. I sought comfort from friends, I avoided everything by sleeping, by neglecting my homework and responsibilities. I didn't pray or read my Bible because I was too tired and "didn't really know" what to say to God or what to read.

But then, four days ago, I finally felt the sun hit my face after three weeks of relentless cloud cover. I had a conversation with a friend and was completely honest, telling him just how low I was really feeling. Instead of asking me how he could help, he did the best thing that anyone could do.

He pointed me to Christ. He told me to journal about how I was feeling, why I was feeling that way, and also journal a prayer after that. And then he held me accountable by saying that he'd check in with me later that day to make sure that I'd actually spent some quality time seeking God, instead of continuing to avoid Him. (I thank God from the bottom of my heart for friends like that one. Juuust FYI.)

But for real, I've been feeling so much better over these last four days because I've finally been able to recognize and appreciate the importance of being a mess, and was reminded to set my focus on the Lord. Being a human, I'll obviously fail at this at least three more times in my life (lol, at least three). But this time has been valuable - although I didn't think so initially - and has taught me a lot about letting God meet me in the mess instead of pushing Him away or ignoring Him. I've also learned about letting friends see me in my struggle, being honest and vulnerable with them, and then allowing them to encourage and support me.

Jesus replied, "you do not realize now what I am doing, but later you will understand." (John 13:7)

I was at a young adults retreat with my church this weekend, and our focus was on the spiritual gifts in Romans 12, and what it looks like to cultivate those gifts, and how we can actively cultivate them.

My view this past weekend... BEAUTY, right?

During one of the sessions, our speaker was talking about some of the things we say in attempts to avoid cultivating our spiritual gifts. The thing that he said that had me convicted on multiple levels was


"I don't have time."


I'm not sure I say that a lot, but I definitely think it...

I don't have time to read my Bible.

I don't have time to process my emotions.

I don't have time to talk to someone about _______.

I don't have time to take a break and rest.

I don't have time to [fill-in-the-blank-with-some-important-thing-that-should-be-done-but-keeps-getting-put-off].

Sometimes it's true that you can't find time to get some things done. But it's also true that you need to make time if something is of enough importance to you.

The two biggest ones for me from my list above would be "I don't have time to read the Bible", and "I don't have time to talk to someone about _______".

Ya see, the convicting thing about saying that you don't have time to read the Bible or spend time with God is that, as a Christian, shouldn't that really be the thing that is of utmost importance to me? Like, at all times? Ouch. That one was a tough pill to swallow over the weekend. Which is probably why I'm still thinking about it now.

I had some great midnight chats over the weekend with the lovely young lady that I was sharing a room with. And as we laid in our sleeping bags on one of the nights, I remembered telling her that on the days when I wake up and actually prioritize spending time with God, I'm more easily able to see His goodness and mercies throughout the day. So one would think that I'd get it into my head that I need to start my day with God all the time, because my days always seem so much more bearable when I wake up and start them with Him. 

And the reason I was so convicted about the whole "I don't have time to talk to someone about _______" was because of what our speaker said after he made that point. He talked about how there are certain things that we never want to talk about with someone "because then it means that you'll actually have to deal with your problems."

Boom.

Another hard pill to swallow.

Dealing with your problems is rarely ever a walk in the park. I mean, if it is a walk in the park for you, then wow you're lucky pls teach me your ways. But anyway, dealing with your problems is so important, and at the same time it's something that can often get swept under the rug, at least if you're anything like I am when it comes to dealing with things wherein the good ol' emotions are involved.

The past couple of weeks I've been realizing a lot about how lonely and isolating it can be when you keep your problems to yourself and lead everyone to believe that you actually don't have any problems.

Sooo learn from my mistakes, take a page from my book, or whatever you want to say, and don't do that. Don't keep your problems - your emotions - to yourself. I know it's easier said than done, but trust me; you'll feel so much better if you talk to people (that you really trust) about what's goin' on inside your mind. That can seem like a cliché thing that people say, but I've realized that it's 100% true!

Make time for the important things. And keep in mind that it's okay to be messy. Sometimes it's really important to be a mess. You can learn a whole lot from it.

Last night, through a conversation with one of my pastors, I realized how important it is to be surrounded by people who will wound you.

I first heard that terminology used in the title of a Desiring God article and that immediately intrigued me to read the article.

'Who would willingly want someone to wound them?' I remember asking myself. But through the nature of the conversation that I had with my pastor, I realized the answer.

Source: Aaron Burden, Unsplash.com

I do. And you should too.

I'm not talking about finding a friend to literally stab you in the back or anything. That would suck. I'm talking about people who choose to say something that will likely offend or upset you in the moment, but in the long run they know you'll thank them. Because ultimately they care about your eternal soul above your momentary feelings.

I remember my pastor said something the other night that was so true and so important, and I was so struck by it (in a good way) that my end of the phone was quiet for awhile. My pastor must have thought he'd offended me because he apologized if what he had said wasn't what I'd wanted to hear. But really I was simply convicted by what he'd said, and thankful that he cares more about my relationship with God than anything else.

In the Desiring God article that I alluded to before, the author talked about our friends wounding us for our good. I'm not sure I'd ever think of wounds as "good" in any realm outside of Christianity. The author, Greg Morse, says this:

"The world cares nothing for our eternal good. Ungodly friends cheer us on toward destruction. They bequeath the kiss of flattery — the Dementor’s kiss. They coddle our egos, telling us what we want to hear, not what we need to hear. Even the most genuine and moral among them sets sail away from God. Thus we need a crew of Christian companions — a body — to keep us from shipwreck. Finishing the race is not an individual endeavor, and eternity is at stake. Praise God then for the faithful wounds of true friends who protect us from ultimate injury. They tell us plainly, “You’re flirting with destruction!” Or, “Spiritual sloth is unacceptable!” Friends who ask us hard questions, who are for our eternal soul above our momentary feelings — these are true friends." (Emphasis added.)

That paragraph spoke to me so much, and the part that mentions eternity being what's at stake is exactly what my pastor had to say when I texted him about ten minutes after we'd hung up the phone, sincerely thanking him for caring about my heart, spiritual well-being, and growth in Christ. He reminded me that things of this earth are vanity of vanities, and as Christians we have a higher calling to focus on the eternal, not the temporal. 

You may be in the same boat that I used to be in, wondering how wounds can be good, and who would willingly wish for someone to wound them.

But I truly challenge you to recognize that you don't know it all. There are people out there who are further along in their relationship with God, who know more than you do - not necessarily about you, but about spiritual and heart health, about eternal truths. It really is helpful to seek wise counsel and choose wisely who it is that you want to have pouring into your life. It's so crucial to have someone pouring into your life who wants to see you succeed, see you grow closer to God, and be shaped more into the image of Christ Jesus, His son.

Choose someone who will wound you. Someone who will wound you for your good. Because honestly? My friends who have wounded me, who care deeply about my heart, my growth in Christ, my spiritual maturity. Those are the friends for whom I thank God the most.

"I'm a planner; I always want to know what's going to come next." I said to one of my friends yesterday.

"I'm not very 'go-with-the-flow." I said to another friend.

There's two problems with those sentences.



First off, it shows that I struggle with trusting God. And secondly, y'all. I have no idea what 2018 has in store after April 28th, so there's no way I can plan for what's coming next.

There's something that I realized when I woke up this morning:

I'm spending so much time being emotional about graduating and being afraid of the future that I'm not enjoying where I am right now.

And where am I right now?

I'm in my very last semester of post-secondary education. I'm surrounded by friends whom I love deeply. I'm immersed in a Christian community each and every day. I'm in an internship that is giving me lots of practical experience and preparing me for a life of ministry.

I was scrolling through Pinterest yesterday. Side note: it actually wasn't procrastination! I don't have as much homework this semester. That's right - be jealous folks. Anyway, Pinterest. I came across a pin that simply said

"Be here now."

It struck me in a more profound way than I thought it would. I am definitely guilty of being so focused on what's going to come next that I miss out on precious moments and potentially life-changing experiences and conversations with friends that are happening now.

I'm so focused on "What's life going to look like once this chapter closes? Where am I going to get a job? Where am I going to live? How am I going to function with all of my friends leaving, and me leaving them?" While those are valuable questions, and things that I should be keeping in mind, I can't allow myself to be so future-focused that I miss out on the last few pages of this chapter before it ends.

Also if you think that there's going to be a post this year wherein I don't talk about my journey of learning how to trust the Lord, you're WRONG.

I've been recognizing that because 2018 looks so foggy and I'm so unsure about what I'm going to be doing, it provides numerous opportunities for me to trust God - more than I ever have before. And as much as I love to plan and be in control, there's a part of me that's actually feeling excited about the uncertainty of 2018 because I know that in the Lord is where I find peace and comfort, and I can only truly find that by trusting in Him.

Therefore, I need to work on trusting God with everything in order to find that peace and comfort that I desire so deeply in this chapter of my life.

That, my friends, is why my posts this year will likely be focused largely around the theme of trust. And also grace. I'm often too hard on myself and think that trusting God means that I need to be perfect with that. And I've learned that I never will be perfect at trusting God because if I was, would I really feel the need to continue trusting Him, or at least placing a large amount of emphasis on it? Likely not.

I'm grateful that I can trust God in every chapter of my life, and that He's still with me and has grace for me when I fail or forget to trust Him.


PS. Graduating is sad and scary, so excuse me while I cry about it at least once a week... at least.

The other night, on January 1st, I was outside shoveling, and as much as I hate having to shovel outside in the bitter cold, there's something about shoveling at night. It was dark out, it was quiet, it was also snowing lightly. It was peaceful.

"Nothing matters in life but what you do for Christ."

And yikes. It's true. Both that quote, and some unimportant (and probably stupid) things that I hold dear brought to mind the passage in the Bible that says:

"Do not lay up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moth and rust destroy and where thieves break in and steal, but lay up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where neither moth nor rust destroys and where thieves do not break in and steal. For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also." (Matthew 6:19-21) 

If nothing matters in life but what I do for Christ, but I'm laying up for myself treasures on earth, what does that really say about where my heart is?

In 2018 I want to draw closer to Christ. I have to.

I'm graduating in four short months. And that terrifies me, because come September, I won't be going back to school. School has been my "security", if you will, ever since I was four years old! As soon as the clock struck midnight on January 1st and it became 2018, I started going on and on to my best friend about how scared I am because in 2018, everything beyond graduation looks like a big, endless, black abyss.

I don't know what the future holds.

But have I ever really known? I suppose not. I guess I think I know what life looks like, but I'm always thrown for a loop because it never quite happens the way I think it will.

At the end of 2017 one of my professors told me to live my life as though it's Christmas Eve, not Boxing Day. I'm young; I'm twenty-one! I have so much to look forward to. That's what he told me, and I know it's true. Even when life looks like an endless abyss.

So it looks like 2018 is Christmas Eve. And although I feel like I'm going in blind, what an awesome opportunity these 365 days (minus three) are for me to trust God completely, because I have absolutely no idea what the future looks like beyond April 28th aka graduation.

Seeking joy. Asking "why?". Living for Christ. Laying up treasures in heaven. Trust. Trust. Trust.

Let's go 2018. I'm not ready, but God sure is.