Those who know me really really really well know that one of my absolute least favourite responses when I'm looking for immediate advice, or an immediate answer is "It'll be okay. It's a process." When someone says that to me, my brain goes, 'Ughhh. A process? What does that mean really? Everything is so uncertain; I want answers now!!!'

Far too often, I struggle with wanting to be in control. But don't we all?
(Well maybe not - I'm mostly saying that in optimistic hope that I'm not the only control freak out there...)

Aaanyway, the definition of "process" is: a series of actions or steps taken in order to achieve a particular end. Great. I've even got Google telling me that there's no quick fix; I have to go through a series of things first.

However, I've slowly been learning how to do that. And it's not easy, especially because being in a tough place in life is uncomfortable. But life isn't all sunshine and rainbows, unfortunately. I should know that by now; after all I'm a well-seasoned twenty year old who knows all (please note: sarcasm intended). Sometimes life is downpours and lightning. But, with that said, downpours and lightning can be cool - just like processes.

Yep, I said it. You heard me. Sometimes when I hear the words "It's a process", I think 'huh, this might be cool.' HA. Just kidding, I totally do not think that. (But I almost had ya fooled, didn't I?) However, when I'm looking back at a process that I've just gone through, I see all of the amazing lessons that I've learned, and I'm able to better appreciate where I'm at, and the people who journeyed alongside me and loved on me as I took the time to get there. After all, hindsight's 20/20. At least that's what they say.

A quote that hits me every time I see it is "Sometimes God doesn't change your situation because He's trying to change your heart." That always gets me thinking.

Possibly one of the most helpful things any professor has said during the past three years of my Bible college education is this:

"In the context of faith, there is always room for doubt."

The prof who said this is one whom I think many of my peers would agree with me in saying that he's one of the most knowledgeable and passionate professors we've got.

Sometimes you find yourself in one of those seasons wherein your huge bonfire for the Lord is more like a dimly lit candle. You're confused. You're questioning. You're trying to pray but you don't know what to say. You're starting to wonder 'is God actually good? is He listening to me? is He even there?!'

I know the feels, y'all. And that's why I'm writing this today. When my professor said the aforementioned quote, I felt like two heavy boulders had been lifted off of my shoulders. I'd always thought that as a Christian, if I doubted God in any sense, that was a huge sin. And I mean, it's true that it's hard for both faith and doubt to reside in the same capacity together, for one will snuff out the other. But doubting is okay (as long as it's temporary).

Allow me to be real with you for a hot second.

I've been doubting lately.

I've been trying to do what Romans 12:12 says, which is "Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer."

 But fam, let's be real here!!! That is so hard sometimes all the time.

Sometimes you're going to feel like the psalmist in Psalm 42, saying "Why are you so downcast, O my soul? Why so disturbed within me?" The same professor who taught me that doubt is okay also taught me that the Bible contains praise Psalms as well as lament Psalms because both are inevitable.

So what do you do when your soul is downcast, and you're finding it hard to have faith?

Replace the doubts with truth. It may not be easy, and you might not even believe what you're reading or hearing for awhile, but you must keep feeding truth to your soul so that doubt doesn't snuff out your candle while it is weak!

When I was thinking through my doubts at work the other day, this verse came to mind -- Hebrews 13:8.

I struggle with this thing that I call "I-like-to-make-people-think-I've-got-it-all-together-all-the-time". Just kidding, I don't actually call it anything. But it looks a little something like this:

I always smile and always say "I'm doing well" when asked "How are you?".

I have a movie quote ready to post on Facebook when I move back to school in the fall, something about how I'm back and ready to rule the school (Grease, anyone?).

I've considered not going to my school's all-student retreat on the first week of the semester this year because I've already done that three times and I'll be in my fourth year and therefore "too cool" for that.

BUT WAIT.

Before y'all start judging me super hard based upon those confessions, you should also know that there's more to me than meets the eye. Those cringe-y, egotistical things I've just said are coming from the same girl who intended to drop out of her Bachelors degree before her fourth year so that she wouldn't have to do her internship or graduation recital. 

Fam. Yikes. I'm scared. I'm anxious. And for me, that's really when these egotistical things start rearin' their ugly ugly heads. For some reason, I think that when I'm fearful, I have to put on this false mask of overcompensated self-confidence to hide the fear. But I think it's important to fess up and admit that I don't have it all together now, and I'm not sure I ever will on this side of heaven.

This morning I had a meeting with my internship advisor about all the different things that will be expected of me in my internship and I'm pretty sure I walked out of his office feeling more intimidated than I was when I found out in my first year that I'd have to do an internship as part of my degree... And trust me, I was already pretty intimidated back then.

I also most definitely texted two of my closest friends after the meeting telling them how terrified and inadequate I feel, and rambled about how amazing the previous interns have been in comparison to how I think I'll be. (Comparison is a whooole other can of worms that I'll open at a later date.)

Sooo yeah. I definitely don't have it all together.

BUT. Despite the fact that I'm fearful and anxious, I'm also fiercely loved by a God who created everything. He created me. He created you. He unfortunately created my internship and graduation recital. Kinda.

He also created the people who wrote the Bible.

One of my friends has recently been pointing me back to the book of Matthew, specifically Matthew 6:25-34, wherein the heading is "Do Not Be Anxious". Trust me, I almost always have zero idea how to not be anxious, but what I do know how to do is trust God and pray that He'll constantly remind me that He has it together. Even when I do not. (Aka all the time).

I've been writing a lot of posts on the theme of relationships lately, and this one is no different. I'm on a roll y'all, so buckle up.

I have this issue. This thing. This "beef" if you will. People are always saying "He's my other half" or "she's my other half" or "I'm looking for someone who completes me", etc.

But like, NO. That makes me cringe. I don't want that.

Why?

Because I'm already complete on my own. (And so are you!)

God didn't create you and then say,

"You are only half a person. Now you must go out into the world and tirelessly search for the man/woman who is your other half."

I spent far too many years in high school (and embarrassingly enough, a couple of years in college as well) thinking that I needed a boyfriend in order to complete me.

But that's so not true! And honestly, I feel so much freer now that I've made that realization.

Please always remember that Jesus is the only one who completes you. Yes, He made you complete on your own, but He also longs for His creation to recognize their undeniable need for Him.

I want someone who recognizes that I'm a whole person on my own. I don't need a man. However, in regards to my future husband, I will be choosing to be with him because I want to be, not because I have to be in order to be fulfilled and completed.

Because no human being can do that. Everyone will disappoint you and fail you at some point. Your best friend, your parents, your siblings, your significant other. The only one who will not fail you is Jesus. And that's part of the reason why He is the only one who completes you.

So please, I beg of you, learn from my mistake when it comes to this. You are complete on your own. There is so much freedom that is found in singleness. And I know that everyone says that and you're tempted to roll your eyes and stop reading and simply not believe me because it seems so cliché, but fam, it's true.

You can take so much more time to focus on yourself. Focus on your relationship with God. Focus on your schoolwork. Focus on your job. Focus on your hobbies, the things that you're good at and that make you feel good about yourself. Heck, focus on friendships that are actually currently a real thing instead of spending all of your time longing for, searching for, and striving for a relationship that doesn't even exist right now.

And don't get hung up on the lies. You know them. "I'm single now so I'll be single forever." "I'm so undesirable." So on and so forth. None of them are true. They may feel true, but they're not. Feelings are often dramatic, amplified, and just plain not true.

Remember that you're young. That's another thing that I used to roll my eyes at when someone said that to me. But for real, I'm twenty and I'm still finishing up my Bachelor's. While I may be ready for a boyfriend, I'm so not ready to settle down with a husband yet. So wait it out. Be patient. A beautiful relationship will likely unfold when you're least expecting it.

But until then, chill out. Breathe. Enjoy your freedom. Smile. Don't focus on the lies. Patience! You're already complete in the Lord.