Exactly a week ago (on May 19th), my blog turned one! *cue intense cheering and applause*

Today is the second day in a row that I'm wearing shorts, the sun is shining, the birds are chirping, the windows in my house are open, and I. Am. Happy! Ergo, I decided that I must do The Happiness Tag! I found it while creeping my best friend's blog this morning.

Something that far too many people struggle with today, something that I struggle with, something that frustrates me, is body image. Now, I'll cue the infinite chorus of groans because I know you're thinking that this is going to be just another blog post from another young girl who's going to say something empowering like "you just need to love yourself!", as though it's as easy as pouring yourself a glass of water from the fridge. Trust me, I know that learning to love yourself isn't quite that easy.

For the past four months or so, I've been attempting to live a healthier lifestyle. I would go to the gym at least twice a week with one of my apartment mates, I did some fun work outs with a couple of other friends from school, I tried (and somewhat failed) to eat healthier than I normally do. I'm finding all of this to be more difficult to do now that I'm back at home for the summer and living without the constant encouragement and validation from my friends.

The point of this post though, is that while a healthy lifestyle is definitely not bad in and of itself, it can become bad; it can become destructive. Striving to live a healthy lifestyle can become an obsession. And that's my problem.

I want to be someone who likes making and eating creative salads, someone who can get up at 7:00 every morning and go for a run (even in the summer when I don't have a morning class), someone who spends more time at the gym each week than they do enjoying sugary caffeinated drinks at Tim Horton's with friends, someone who would rather drink protein shakes in place of milkshakes.
I want so badly to say that the problem lies in the fact that I'm not like that, but I'm beginning to see that the real problem lies in what my motivation is behind wanting to lead a healthy life.

One of my friends who has been hugely encouraging to me in this healthy journey of mine told me something that stuck out to me. He said that because it's a known fact that exercise is beneficial, God must have intended for us to be using our bodies to be doing some type of exercise or daily movement. I agree with that! Exercise is good for our bodies, and we are told in Scripture that we should be treating our bodies well as they are a temple of the Holy Spirit. 

It's so easy to let our focus slip from that real, Christian perspective to a selfish, earthly one of "I want to eat healthy and work out because I have a little, teensy weensy amount of extra body fat that I need to get rid of". It's eternally frustrating to me that while I'm not actually fat, I still feel like I'm fat; I feel like I have weight that I need to get rid of. I'm realizing that I need to firmly root my healthy lifestyle motivation in a desire to treat my body right because I understand that I've been masterfully created by the One who created this entire earth that we live on, and He wants me to love myself in the way that He loves me. And the reason why this post isn't going to be all "you just need to love yourself!" is because that's hard. I get that!

Although it's difficult to admit, I've realized that while my desire to live a healthy lifestyle appears to others to be a positive change, deep down I know that my motivation being found in my own selfish desire to lose this weight and look thinner is not. This mindset and goal have become destructive for me. Because when a Baconator or a Starbucks frappuccino come my way, all motivation goes out the door. Or after I eat badly or skip going for a run one day, I feel guilty and mentally beat myself up for it.

My absolute favourite YouTuber is Cambria Joy (also known as breelovesbeauty). The other week she posted a video entitled Your Worth Is Not In Your Weight - Why Skinny Never Satisfies (you can watch it here), and it's probably the best video I've ever watched. I've re-watched it a number of times since she uploaded it, and here are a few of my favourite things that she said:

• "I thought I could satisfy my inner hunger externally, but as the numbers on the scale dropped, my hunger inside did not."
• "Getting thin did not bring the lasting happiness that it promised, and using quick-fixes for my appearance was one thing, but there was no quick-fix for my starving soul."
• "I expected a diet to fix my problems, but I'll tell you this: thinner legs won't."
• "God made us in His image, but this broken world wants us to believe we should be made in our own."
• "You cannot improve your physical appearance and expect to be made complete in that."
• "Jesus' finished work on the cross [...] gave you more beauty and it gave you more worth than a mirror could ever show."

And then she said this:

"The mirror can never show you who you are. It can never tell you that you are masterfully created and hand-designed by the God who made the universe and the stars."

I'm so grateful for Cambria's video (and for her in general); I'm starting to focus my motivation back on God, being thankful each day that He has gifted me with a body that I am able to fuel and use in a healthy way for His glory. There are people who only wish that they could go out for a run (or a walk) every day, and here I am not daily taking advantage of that simple, seemingly monotonous ability that I have! Now, I can't say that I've given up Quarter Pounders or iced cappuccinos (and I don't think that I ever will), but I'm realizing that God has created me beautifully, exactly where I'm at. That's another thing that Cambria touched on, in a way in which I can relate; she said "my greatest fear was that if I was brave enough to believe that God made me beautifully in His image right where I was at, that I would never be fully satisfied." It's not easy, but I'm learning that I have to come to believe that; I have to be brave; I have to learn to be content right where I'm at.

I need to reorient my healthy lifestyle motivation from that of self-loathing to one of loving my body and myself where God has me right now. As I continue to see physical results from exercising and eating well, that's simply an added bonus! I need to stop "looking at my own physical appearance hoping that I [can] see my worth" (Cambria Joy). As the title of Cambria's video says: your worth is not in your weight! And how truly wonderful that is.