Well folks, here we are.

2017 has come to an end and we've got a brand spankin' new year to look forward to!

Photo by NordWood Themes on Unsplash

Last year, on the final day of 2016, I wrote a blog post on the topic of having heard people continuously say that "2016 had been the worst year ever", and while some may say the same thing about 2017, this post is going to have a different, less rant-y feel to it.

The last line in the post I made last year still rings true this year, that 2017:

"...was a year of changes and some hardships, but ultimately a year that God used in order to shape and grow each of us as individuals, in many different ways."

Here are seven lessons that I learned in 2017 (in no particular order), that I'm partially documenting for your information, but also for my own benefit as I hope to remember these and continue to apply them into next year. Also let's keep in mind that I undoubtedly learned more than seven things over the past 365 days.

The first lesson that I learned in 2017 and have come to really believe in is that leaving your comfort zone is one of the most formational things you can do as a young adult. Or not as a young adult. I just happen to be a young adult, is all.
My final speech in my Art of Communication class this past semester (aka the semester that just ended) was all about how I've experienced numerous situations from September through December that were super uncomfortable and out of my comfort zone, but I'd have to say that those are the experiences that have shaped me and grown me the most! Therefore, they have been the most formational. So get out of your comfort zone every once in awhile and try something that you've never imagined yourself doing before! It'll be worth it, I can almost guarantee.

Learning how to rest, has been another important lesson and theme that has played a role in my life this year. I'm sure a number of you will remember my tale of falling down a mountainside in Scotland in August, and severely spraining my ankle. The Lord taught me a huge lesson about rest in the days and weeks following that incident as I suffered through the healing process. I learned about the need to implement rest into my life in different circumstances, not just when recovering from an injury.

A third lesson - and virtue - that I've come to value deeply in 2017 is honesty. And man, this one can be reeeal tough. Especially when you find yourself in a situation wherein your honest response in the moment is "I feel very awkward and uncomfortable right now and I don't know what to say." Yeah... That is something that I've actually said recently. For real though, it's far more worth it in the long run to be honest. It's better than having to say "Ummm... let me just backtrack for a second, because I actually lied before." And yup. Something else that I've actually said. Sooo pls. Just be honest. It's may seem like a necessary evil in the short run, but in the long run? Worth. It.

Trusting God is another lesson I've learned this year; fourth on this list, but actually the most important lesson. When someone asks me what I've been working on in my faith-life, I'm pretty sure my response has been "Learning how to trust God" for the past six years, at least. It's a process, fam. A lifelong one. But recognizing that He can be trusted with everything and in everything is a daily choice. And it doesn't come easily. But it's something else that's worth it in the long run.

Lesson numero cinq (5) is that you've gotta learn to believe in yourself! This one has been a toughy for me because I've always found it hard to believe in myself when I've always been told to believe and trust in God. I'm sure you can understand my confusion. Maybe. But in 2017 I've learned that it's important to not sell yourself short, you've gotta know what you're capable of, and stand up for that. You need to be able to determine what are lies from Satan about who you are and what you can do. And always remember that you are eternally loved.

A video that I was shown in early 2017 that has been super important to me throughout the year is Carl Lentz's video on dating. I could take a bunch of time explaining it to you, but just go watch it - it's five minutes long! Pretty much, he says a lot of good, quotable things about occupying your street, and doing what you're doing for God. He also talks about Matthew 6:33, and how we know that if we seek God's Kingdom first, He will give us everything we need. Including (but not limited to) a life partner. Seriously tho... Just watch the video.

A lesson that I've been thinking on for awhile, but has really become important to me recently is to GET OFF MY PHONE. I hate the fact that my generation is literally KNOWN for always always always being on our phones! And I hate feeling the need to look at my phone whenever I hear a notification sound go off. So I've been keeping my phone on Do Not Disturb about ninety percent of the time lately, so that I can choose when I want to look at it, and it cannot possibly interrupt a human interaction that I'm having. One of my friends and I have also made a New Year's Resolution to not use our phones in class. I can admit that it'll be a bit tough at first, but I know I'll get so much more out of my classes this way. I just wish I'd made this decision before my last semester of school..... Ah well. Hindsight is 20/20, amiright?

'Til 2018, my friends! Thank you for reading my blog, talking to me about it, telling me that it's encouraged you or that you've simply enjoyed my posts. I appreciate that so much more than you know! And there's lots more to come; the gears never stop turnin over here.

"He must increase, I must decrease." {John 3:30} 

When I feel lonely, under-prioritized, and exhausted, I want to surround myself even more with friends and people whom I care about, because I think that their presence will fulfill me and satisfy my need to feel like I matter. And I'm discontent and confused when I still feel lonely the next day.

That's because I need Jesus.

People are great, don't get me wrong! But no one can satisfy my soul like Jesus.

And I kinda feel like I should know that by now, so I was extremely humbled the other night when I took some quality time to open my Bible and talk to the Lord, and through that time I was reminded how much more I need to prioritize Him in order to stop feeling like I'm being under-prioritized by people in this world. Because how much does attention from other people mean when I'm known, loved, and cared for by the Creator of the whole universe???

Even in my moments of forgetfulness and thoughts of 'ugh I should so know that Jesus is more satisfying and fulfilling than anything else...', I was so humbled and encouraged by Isaiah 30:18:

"Therefore the LORD waits to be gracious to you, and therefore He exalts Himself to show mercy to you."

To me? Even when I forget Him?

Yes.

"Can a woman forget her nursing child, that she should have no compassion on the son of her womb? Even though these may forget, yet I will not forget you."

Even though I may forget God in my times of great exhaustion, stress, studying, and attempting to fulfill my loneliness with friends, He never ever ever forgets me. And doesn't that mean so much more to me than anything else? People may forget me, I may not get an A+ on my final, but the Lord will never forget me.

And I dunno about you, but that is what's getting me through this finals week.

Source: Chris Lawton; unsplash.com

I have so much to do this week. I just made a note on my phone mapping out everything that needs to get done before my church's annual Christmas Festival this upcoming weekend, and there's a lot. I'm decently overwhelmed to say the least. The person in that picture is encapsulating how I feel when I look towards this upcoming week. Also I feel like Matt Maher's Lord I Need You is my current life anthem.

Thinking about my busy week has reminded me of the Martin Luther quote:

"I have so much to do that I shall spend the first three hours in prayer."

To emphasize this, in church this morning my pastor was talking about how important it is to him to start his day in communion with God before his feet even hit the floor.

I've heard people say that before, but today I was hit anew with how much I need Jesus. 

Why am I telling you all of this? Because this morning when one of my friends made a simple statement that I seem like someone who's always on top of my homework, someone who starts their assignments well ahead of time, I started thinking...

Do I come across as someone who has it together all the time?

Because I'm definitely not, and I definitely don't. I used to want people to think that I had it together and I knew what I was doing all the time, but fourth year and adulthood is teaching me that that's unrealistic and simply not true!

I was talking with another friend the other day and he made a comment about the reason why he spends so much time reading his Bible and praying isn't because he wants to appear "holier than others" or anything, but it's simply because he just really needs Jesus. 

And again, it was a simple statement, but it really hit home. I need Jesus. I need grace. I need strength. All the time. If you ever feel like I seem capable of one thing, good at something else, or at peace in the midst of the craziness and storms of life, just know that it's all because of Jesus.

I'm pretty much a ball of anxiety, uncertainty, fear, and insecurity at all times. And you know what? I'm beginning to realize that that's okay! My weakness is more of a testimony to others than my pretend wholeness could ever be.

And also because Jesus is greater than my anxiety, uncertainty, fear, and insecurity.

And I really need Jesus. We all do. And we know that He's always ready and willing to walk alongside us and provide shelter in the time of the storm.

"Let us then with confidence draw near to the throne of grace, that we may receive mercy and find grace to help in time of need." (Hebrew 4:16)

I'm turning twenty-one next week and I'm feeling pretty neutral about it. Twenty was exciting last year, and one of my friends threw me a surprise party and I wanted to weep because it was the cutest thing EVER. However, yesterday I was realizing that my birthday is in a week, and normally I'm excited by this point, but I'm really not this year.

Source: Gaelle Marcel. unsplash.com

In the past twenty-four hours, I've had three different friends selflessly buy me coffee. And I'm sitting here, working at the circulation desk in the quiet library this morning, wondering what I did to deserve this typa love from my friends.

It's dawned on me that to a degree, it's like Jesus' love for me - I didn't do anything to deserve it. This love says nothing about my own goodness, my own character, my own good works. It says everything about my friends.This love - and Jesus' love - is bestowed upon me in spite of my shortcomings, my failures, my imperfections.

Source: Annie Spratt, unsplash.com

And I love when God reveals Himself to me in the small things. Because it helps me to realize that sometimes the small things in life are actually the big things. 

Today is Thanksgiving, and something that I've struggled with over the past number of weeks is remembering to be truly thankful to the Lord for what He's blessed me with. Being a mortal being, I can often get so caught up in the small (or big) inconveniences of day-to-day life that I forget about the simple (or bigger) blessings and things that I should be thankful for.

So here are a few things that ya girl has been super thankful for recently...


Intentional friendships. It's nice to be kind to people and check in on them and really want to know how they're doing. I'm cool with small talk here and there, but one of my fav things is going for a two hour coffee date with someone and hearing about where they're at, what God has been doing in their life, what they think of their courses this semester, how things are in their relationship, and knowing that they want to know the same information about my life. So. Good.

The truths of Scripture. In this world that's full of earthquakes, hurricanes, death, confusion, doubts, and questions, it's so comforting knowing that I have an omniscient, omnipresent, and omnipotent Saviour on my side. I never have to fear or be anxious (even though I sometimes still am...) because I know that Jesus is good and He's never going to let me down. He's loved me unconditionally since my conception, and He'll continue to do so until I see Him in glory forever. Jesus is SO amazing. I'm obsessed.

Coffee. Legit I'm super grateful for that caffeinated stuff - especially the sugar-ridden beverages that are topped with whipped cream #noshame. Honestly I'm pretty sure I'd just end up sleeping through my entire fourth year if I didn't love coffee.....

Spotify. Y'all, I'm thankful for the big things and the small ones. I just got Spotify a few weeks ago, anD IDEK WHAT I DID WITHOUT IT(?!). I listen to my fav jams on there all the time! Luv it.

LipSense. Holla at my sweet friend Tat who introduced me to this smudge-proof, stay-all-day lipstick line. I can wear the simplest outfit, and then put that stuff on and feel SO put together. It's the little things.

My internship. Remember that time in my first year when I swore I'd drop out before fourth so I wouldn't have to be an intern? Welp, here I am being thankful that I have this opportunity. My internship supervisor is an amazing guy who's so gracious (not to mention hilarious - and sassy), and he's been teaching me a lot since the start of September. I'm often still terrified when I'm given new responsibilities, but I know that the Lord will strengthen me for every task that He wants me to accomplish for His glory.

Grace. Life is so crazy at all times, and it makes me so thankful for grace. Grace for my failures, grace for the assignments that I end up doing super last minute because I was busy practicing for my recital (or procrastinating letsbehonest), grace for the million times that I've consumed McDonalds or half a pizza because I didn't feel like cooking dinner. Most of the time I don't excel at being gracious towards myself in any circumstance, so I'm thankful that the Lord, my friends, and my family are full of grace, and that they're all bold enough to remind my stubborn self to chill out for a hot minute and extend grace to myself.

There's so much more that I'm thankful for in this life, but these are some standout things that I've been thankful over the past month and a bit since I've moved back to school.

Happy Thanksgiving y'all! Let's try to be more thankful at all times - not just on this pumpkin spice, turkey-filled, crunchy leaf-y, fall day. Thanksgiving isn't just a holiday on the calendar; thanksgiving is an attitude of the heart.

Last week was rough. Everything seemed to constantly go downhill. I wanted a break. I wanted something to be good. But nothing was.

"Everything is amazing and nobody is happy."

Nobody.

We're constantly focusing on the negative. I'm guilty of this too. I mean, I already stated that last week was rough for me.

We constantly think that God or the universe owes us something. We think that we deserve better - better cars, better jobs, better relationships, better life situations.

But the truth is, we don't deserve better. We're mere ants in this world. And we already have it SO GOOD and yet we don't even realize it because we're always wanting more. We're never ever ever content.

We live in the age of the smart phone, the age of food delivery, online banking, Uber, texting, and so many other amazing things that make our lives far more convenient than people's lives were even just thirty years ago.

And yet we want more.

But let's stop for a moment and be thankful.

I'm healthy, my family is safe, I have money for education, I have a job, I have a smart phone, a laptop, I'm always loved - by family, friends, and most importantly by God.

God is constantly faithful, blessing us with far more than we deserve. He is good at all times, He's gracious, He's unconditionally loving.

I've felt super convicted since seeing that quote on Friday, and so this week I'm making a much more conscious effort to focus on the positives in my life, and find joy in Christ and in His love for me. With Thanksgiving on the horizon, let's all strive to be more thankful and focus on the positive things that we've been blessed with. Because God is good, and everything is amazing.

I've been back at school for a mere nineteen days and God has already been doing so many cool things and I'm super stoked about it.

"He must become greater, I must become less."

And that's what I'm striving to remember at all times.

We live in a society that tells us that the most important thing is our own personal happiness, and we need to make sure that we're at our best, doing our best, feeling our best - living our best life. In a sense that's true I suppose, however we NEED God in order to even get close to living our best life.

I actually just had a conversation with a friend (literally, we stopped talking like five minutes ago), and he reminded me that God can do the most with my life when I admit to Him that I'm done with myself and with trying to be in control, and I submit to surrendering to His will alone and say that I want Him to take complete control and use me in whatever way He desires.

And yes, that may be scary, but it's the most exciting and satisfying life that one can live.

It was also really cool because the other day in chapel we had a speaker who was talking about Soli Deo Gloria (glory to God alone), and God spoke through that speaker and straight into my heart.

The speaker actually quoted John 3:30, and said to everyone in the chapel service "Your life is not about you. It's about God. God doesn't need anything from you. In fact, all that you already have has come from God."

I was so amped up about that - tbh I'm still amped about it - and I practically preached about that chapel speaker's message later that day to one of my friends who doesn't go to my school anymore. I told her that I'd been asking God to constantly be reminding me that everything in my life has more to do with Him than it does with me.

So He did.

And I trust that He'll continue to.

I want my life to reflect how good God is. I want others to see how good, loving, merciful, and forgiving my Saviour is. I want the Lord to use me in any way that He so chooses, for His glory alone. Not so that I look good or look like I'm put together and know what I'm doing, but so that His glory is seen.

I am filled with the most joy, peace, and satisfaction when God is the One being glorified. That, my friends, is how you can live your best life.

Soli Deo Gloria.

Over the summer I came across a quote that says

"You can only grow if you're willing to feel awkward and uncomfortable when you try something new."

I've been at school for exactly a week now and let me say, I feel that quote SO much.

Being someone who struggles with social anxiety on the daily, who doesn't like asking someone for their wifi password or where their bathroom is, who doesn't like walking into the full cafeteria at lunchtime by herself, life can be lowkey rough sometimes.

But I've been noticing this past week that God has so much cool stuff in store if I'm willing to obey Him, branch out, and do something that makes me feel awkward and uncomfortable.

Let me share a lil story with y'all.

Last night my school partnered with two local churches and had an evening church service in a local park. I believe this initiative was started in my freshman year, and I've attended this service each year. But as soon as it's over, I usually head back to the safe comfort zone-y bubble that is my school's campus, and then go about my evening.

Not so last night.

Source: Aaron Greenwood, unsplash.com

One of my friends from school is a member of one of the local churches that my school partners with for this initiative. And the whole point of this initiative is for these three institutions to band together to love on the local community. So my friend invited my roommate and I to come and hang out with the young adults group from his church.

That doesn't sound so awkward and uncomfortable, does it?

It was awkward and uncomfortable when my roommate and I (who drove separately from our friend who invited us) stopped to get food at Wendy's and after ordering our food, went to sit down with about five people that we didn't know - from that church - tell them that we were from the Bible college, and then have a conversation.

It was awkward and uncomfortable when my roommate and I parked her car, walked up the driveway of a random guy - again, from that church - knocked on the door of said random guy, and then proceeded to walk into a living room full of young people of whom we only knew two.

BUT.

The evening was so much fun! My roommate and I spent the car ride home talking about how awesome it was that immediately after the church service about loving on the local community, we went to someone in the community's house, loved on the people there, and were loved on right back. Honestly, I was floored when I commented, "Thank you for letting two random girls just come into your house." and someone responded: "You're not random girls! We're brothers and sisters in the family of God." And everyone else in the room responded with something to the same effect. It was an amazing feeling.

I'm thankful that God is really really really pushing me out of my comfort zone this year - and it's only been one week! Legit, my comfort zone called me up last night, asking me to return home to the safety and warmth of the bubble. But I hung up.

God is doing some really cool things, and I can't wait to see what the rest of these eight months have in store. All I have to do is be willing to trust God, and be willing to feel awkward and uncomfortable when I try something new.

On Monday I moved back to school for my fourth and final year of my Bachelor's degree.

ISN'T THAT CRAZY?! I try not to think too much about it because it overwhelms me to realize that I'm going to be walking across the stage in eight months, and in twelve months I won't be going back to school.

As much as this is my fourth time beginning a school year in Bible college, I feel newer this year - different. In a few different ways.

Source: Christian Joudrey - unsplash.com

This year I have to do an internship in order to graduate; I'm going to be preparing for my graduation recital that I have to do in the spring; I'm not on student leadership this year; I'm a lot closer to God this year than I've ever been in my time at Bible college - or in my entire life.

"He must become greater, I must become less."

On Saturday I got home from a two week excursion in Scotland with my best friend and her mom. It was my first time leaving the continent of North America, experiencing jet lag, and experiencing the struggle of trying to sleep on a red-eye flight. It's safe to say though, that up until this point in my life, that was the most amazing trip I've ever gone on!

The view from our backyard in Moffat, Scotland.

On the third day of our trip, we decided to trek out to Grey Mare's Tail, which is a waterfall about half an hour from the small town of Moffat that we stayed in. It's not one of those waterfalls that's right there. You have to climb a mountain... hill... thing. My best friend and I had a hard time determining what constitutes a mountain. It was big, okay?! While we were climbing our way up the stone stairs, we met a woman who told us that if we wanted to hike all the way to the waterfall, it would take about an hour and a half. We were only about a quarter of the way up at that point, and our lungs were on fire and our thighs were burning, so we knew we weren't going to go all the way to the top.

I'm grateful for my blog because it gives me a platform in which I can rant if I so choose.

And today I so choose.

I've seen a lot of posts on Twitter recently saying things along the lines of "Sometimes I feel pretty, but then I see girls who are actually pretty on my timeline..."

I hate that.

Being someone who for so long believed she wasn't pretty enough or wasn't good enough, seeing posts on social media like that is heartbreaking! And those posts have so many likes, comments, shares, retweets. It's awful!

Who has set the standard for who's pretty and who isn't? There are so many different types of beauty in the world and I think it's so wrong that because someone doesn't (or multiple people don't) fit into the societal standard of what's beautiful, they're considered to be ugly.

Someone else's beauty doesn't mean the absence of yours!

Source: Ian Schneider, unsplash.com

Comparison is such a destructive thing that can take over and control our lives if we let it. Satan will use that to his advantage by planting that seed of discontentment with our face, our thighs, our nose, our arms, our stomach, and then he'll water and cultivate those seeds until we've grown into someone who is full of self-loathing and hatred.

Riddle me this.

What defines you? Who defines you?

Is it your weight? How "on point" your makeup looks? How muscular you are? Your relationship status? Your grades?

All of those things are temporal and fleeting.

Over the past six months or so, I've been discovering the importance of finding your identity in Christ. He is not temporal or fleeting - He is eternal.

I've come to recognize that the only thing (or Being) worthy of all that I am is Jesus Christ. Placing your identity in anyone or anything else will constantly leave you striving to have more, to do more, to be more. Jesus accepts you as you are. He is full of grace and unconditional love.

Since I've begun intentionally placing my entire identity in Jesus and in who He says I am, instead of what others say about me or who I think I am, I've found myself filled with so much more love and grace towards myself, towards others, and more love for Jesus Himself - followed by a deeper desire to spend time with Him and build upon that relationship (aka the most important relationship in my life).

It isn't always an easy path. Sometimes I wish I was thinner, worked out more, ate fewer donuts, or had different life circumstances. But in those times, I know that I need to turn my thoughts and focus back towards God and His Word.

He will always be the only One who defines me.

I love Grey's Anatomy. That's something that's important to know about me, and since you're reading my blog, I think you're important.

I'm currently re-watching the show for the second time, which I know is a concept that some people simply cannot wrap their heads around. But y'all. I know some people who have watched the show five times... at least!

Without giving away any spoilers from the show - I ain't about that - let me tell y'all a little something.

The show is a hospital drama, and while the point of it is supposed to be all of the fascinating medical cases, and character development over the course of thirteen seasons (and they're not done yet!!!), letsberealhere...

The point of the show is really the Meredith and Derek storyline/drama. I know you're all thinkin it. #MerDer

Seeing as this is my first re-watch of the show, it's really been fascinating to me to see all of the different cases again, the characters returning to how they acted (and looked!) thirteen years ago, aaand of course, seeing Meredith and Derek go through aaaaall of their drama yet again.

I have to say though, seeing MerDer face everything when I already know how it all pans out (and it's reaaaal goood), got me thinking...

Is that how God feels? Especially when we're between a rock and a hard place and we're not sure what's going to happen next. Is He sitting up there thinking 'Girl you don't even know... Things are going to turn out realllll gooooood. You've just gotta trust me.'?

Source: Jon Tyson, unsplash.com

W8.

'Did she just use Grey's Anatomy in an analogy???'
Yep. It's not the fist time, and it likely won't be the last.

But I mean, for real!

We can get so caught up in our circumstances that we can end up forgetting that we can trust our unknown situations to an all-knowing God. That is something that I've had to constantly remind myself of this summer. And even still, sometimes I get so overwhelmed that I forget to remind myself of that. It's in those moments that I'm grateful for God-given friends who are able to point me back to Him when I feel like life is too much.

So sit back, choose a show of your choice on Netflix, remember 1 Peter 5:7 ("Cast all your anxieties on Him because He cares for you"), and surrender your circumstances to the God who knows exactly how it's gonna turn out.

There's this kids song that we always sing at VBS (and in Manitoulin - yes, I do have to bring that mission trip up at every possible opportunity), and in the beginning of the second verse it says:

"You will never, ever change. Yesterday, today, the same."

The other week as I was brushing my teeth and getting ready for bed, I had this revelation and realization of what that truly means.

Side note, I tend to have a lot of my revelations/big thoughts/life realizations while I'm in the bathroom. It's weird, I know. But it's a thing.

I can never fully wrap my head around what it means that God is unchanging, and that's likely because I'm a finite human being living in the hustle and bustle of the twenty-first century, trying to work, do two online courses, go on two trips, and keep up a half decent social life this summer. My life seems to be constantly changing.

That's precisely why I was so refreshed last week when I realized how awesome it is that God doesn't change.

C'mon people, we change everything. Our diets, our friends, our jobs, our majors in college, our opinions on different topics, our hair colour, our cars. You name it.

When we don't like something (or someone) anymore, it becomes "uncool" or unpopular, or no longer serves us, we change it.

Imagine if God was like that. He'd have trashed me a loooong time ago.

But He's the same.

He's good, He's loving, He's ever-present, He's full of grace and mercy, He's forgiving, He's patient, He's just, He's all-powerful, He's sovereign. Aaaand He's everything else that I didn't take time to list because the list could truly go on forever. He's God. Always.

Source: Aaron Burde, unsplash.com

I'm thankful that He controls my life and not me, because the past couple of weeks have proven to me that my life would be a train wreck if I was in control. I can hardly manage to get my laundry done, finish my homework assignments on time, keep a scheduled coffee date, text people back, and go to work without having a panic attack because of how busy I feel I am. But when I surrender that anxiety and stress to God, He gives me peace and restores my soul. My crazy schedule is no match for my unchanging, all-loving, perfect heavenly Father. And neither is your schedule.

Today - and always - I'm thankful that He will never, ever change. Especially when everything else in this temporary life is.

I arrived home a couple of days ago from what has been my favourite week of the year for the past five years. Here's a bit of backstory: for the past eight years, my church has been supporting a team from our own congregation who take a week-long mission trip up to Manitoulin Island to run a VBS for native children on the reserve of Wikwemikong. We stay at a campsite that's about half an hour away from where we do the camp, and when there's a clear day (of which there were really only a couple this year), evening views at the campsite look a lil somethin like this.

Legit my fav view of all time.

"But He said to me: "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecution, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong." 2 Corinthians 12:9-10

Don't get me wrong. The week went incredibly well, by the grace of God. As a team we worked well together, being flexible and going beyond the parameters of our designated roles to help each other out with whatever needed to be done. But I had some challenging situations goin on my mind, and I felt that sometimes they weighed me down so much so that I worried they were impeding my ability to be an effective leader. Thankfully, according to my fellow small group leader, I was wrong about that.

Within my weaknesses last week is when God stepped in to do His thing. Well let's be real, He's always doing His thing, but I noticed it the most when I was feeling my weakest. He allowed team members to approach me and intentionally ask me how I was doing. That really spoke volumes to me because I'm someone who will claim that I'm always fine unless someone is really intentional about wanting to honestly know how I'm doing. And God sent five of my fellow team members to ask me how I was doing and offer to go on walks with me so we could talk about what was on my mind.

God did so much more in the last week than just what I've included in this post, so I'm thinking I'll do a part two to this post in the next few days so y'all can read more about how amazing the mission trip was, and how awesome and faithful God is. Always.

I have to admit, my balance is pretty bad. That's probably why I end up with a million bruises on my legs and arms, and as to where they came from? I can explain that to no one. Ever.

However, thankfully that's not the kind of balance that I'm talking about at the moment.



This summer I'm working on two courses for school, working two jobs, going on two trips, and also trying to relax as well as at least kind of maintain a social life.

WHEW. That's a lot! So I've been learning how to create balance in my life, which is a process (throw back to my last post, amiright?).

I've gotta say, some days I'm killin it. My makeup gets done, my hair isn't as frizzy as normal, I take some bomb selfies because I'm lookin gooood, I get an assignment finished and start working on another, I hang out with a friend, and I work a six hour shift.

But other days aren't so great. My hair gets sprayed with dry shampoo and thrown into a messy bun, I don't do my makeup, none of my friends can hang out, I procrastinate on social media all day, I don't step foot outside of my house, and I end up crying myself to sleep because I'm overwhelmed by life.

And both of those are okay. (Although one is clearly more ideal than the other.)

See, that is a huge thing that I'm realizing about balance. That some days will be mountaintops and others will be valleys, and I just have to roll with whatever comes in that 24-hour period because I'm still alive and God is still good. And that's all I need, right?

It took me awhile (#a #process) to get to that place in my life, but here I am. I've recognized that all I truly need is Christ. My identity is found in Him alone. It's not found in my weight, my life situations, my friend group (although I think my friends are pretty great), the brand of clothes I wear, whether I have a boyfriend or not, how many times I eat out when I probably should just eat a salad, or anything like that. Christ is what (or rather Who) defines me.

The point I'm getting at is that I'm learning to not be affected by the good hair days vs. the bad hair days, the mountaintops vs. the valleys, the makeup vs. lack thereof. I'm learning to keep my eyes on God and not on the difficulties (or even the joys) of this life. I'm attempting to keep my eyes on things above, and not on the fleeting things of this earth.

It isn't always easy, but it's worth it. Because even though I definitely don't have a grip on life, God sure does. Accepting both the good and the difficult is easier when I remember that He created one as well as the other. (Ecclesiastes 7:14)

Those who know me really really really well know that one of my absolute least favourite responses when I'm looking for immediate advice, or an immediate answer is "It'll be okay. It's a process." When someone says that to me, my brain goes, 'Ughhh. A process? What does that mean really? Everything is so uncertain; I want answers now!!!'

Far too often, I struggle with wanting to be in control. But don't we all?
(Well maybe not - I'm mostly saying that in optimistic hope that I'm not the only control freak out there...)

Aaanyway, the definition of "process" is: a series of actions or steps taken in order to achieve a particular end. Great. I've even got Google telling me that there's no quick fix; I have to go through a series of things first.

However, I've slowly been learning how to do that. And it's not easy, especially because being in a tough place in life is uncomfortable. But life isn't all sunshine and rainbows, unfortunately. I should know that by now; after all I'm a well-seasoned twenty year old who knows all (please note: sarcasm intended). Sometimes life is downpours and lightning. But, with that said, downpours and lightning can be cool - just like processes.

Yep, I said it. You heard me. Sometimes when I hear the words "It's a process", I think 'huh, this might be cool.' HA. Just kidding, I totally do not think that. (But I almost had ya fooled, didn't I?) However, when I'm looking back at a process that I've just gone through, I see all of the amazing lessons that I've learned, and I'm able to better appreciate where I'm at, and the people who journeyed alongside me and loved on me as I took the time to get there. After all, hindsight's 20/20. At least that's what they say.

A quote that hits me every time I see it is "Sometimes God doesn't change your situation because He's trying to change your heart." That always gets me thinking.

Possibly one of the most helpful things any professor has said during the past three years of my Bible college education is this:

"In the context of faith, there is always room for doubt."

The prof who said this is one whom I think many of my peers would agree with me in saying that he's one of the most knowledgeable and passionate professors we've got.

Sometimes you find yourself in one of those seasons wherein your huge bonfire for the Lord is more like a dimly lit candle. You're confused. You're questioning. You're trying to pray but you don't know what to say. You're starting to wonder 'is God actually good? is He listening to me? is He even there?!'

I know the feels, y'all. And that's why I'm writing this today. When my professor said the aforementioned quote, I felt like two heavy boulders had been lifted off of my shoulders. I'd always thought that as a Christian, if I doubted God in any sense, that was a huge sin. And I mean, it's true that it's hard for both faith and doubt to reside in the same capacity together, for one will snuff out the other. But doubting is okay (as long as it's temporary).

Allow me to be real with you for a hot second.

I've been doubting lately.

I've been trying to do what Romans 12:12 says, which is "Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer."

 But fam, let's be real here!!! That is so hard sometimes all the time.

Sometimes you're going to feel like the psalmist in Psalm 42, saying "Why are you so downcast, O my soul? Why so disturbed within me?" The same professor who taught me that doubt is okay also taught me that the Bible contains praise Psalms as well as lament Psalms because both are inevitable.

So what do you do when your soul is downcast, and you're finding it hard to have faith?

Replace the doubts with truth. It may not be easy, and you might not even believe what you're reading or hearing for awhile, but you must keep feeding truth to your soul so that doubt doesn't snuff out your candle while it is weak!

When I was thinking through my doubts at work the other day, this verse came to mind -- Hebrews 13:8.

I struggle with this thing that I call "I-like-to-make-people-think-I've-got-it-all-together-all-the-time". Just kidding, I don't actually call it anything. But it looks a little something like this:

I always smile and always say "I'm doing well" when asked "How are you?".

I have a movie quote ready to post on Facebook when I move back to school in the fall, something about how I'm back and ready to rule the school (Grease, anyone?).

I've considered not going to my school's all-student retreat on the first week of the semester this year because I've already done that three times and I'll be in my fourth year and therefore "too cool" for that.

BUT WAIT.

Before y'all start judging me super hard based upon those confessions, you should also know that there's more to me than meets the eye. Those cringe-y, egotistical things I've just said are coming from the same girl who intended to drop out of her Bachelors degree before her fourth year so that she wouldn't have to do her internship or graduation recital. 

Fam. Yikes. I'm scared. I'm anxious. And for me, that's really when these egotistical things start rearin' their ugly ugly heads. For some reason, I think that when I'm fearful, I have to put on this false mask of overcompensated self-confidence to hide the fear. But I think it's important to fess up and admit that I don't have it all together now, and I'm not sure I ever will on this side of heaven.

This morning I had a meeting with my internship advisor about all the different things that will be expected of me in my internship and I'm pretty sure I walked out of his office feeling more intimidated than I was when I found out in my first year that I'd have to do an internship as part of my degree... And trust me, I was already pretty intimidated back then.

I also most definitely texted two of my closest friends after the meeting telling them how terrified and inadequate I feel, and rambled about how amazing the previous interns have been in comparison to how I think I'll be. (Comparison is a whooole other can of worms that I'll open at a later date.)

Sooo yeah. I definitely don't have it all together.

BUT. Despite the fact that I'm fearful and anxious, I'm also fiercely loved by a God who created everything. He created me. He created you. He unfortunately created my internship and graduation recital. Kinda.

He also created the people who wrote the Bible.

One of my friends has recently been pointing me back to the book of Matthew, specifically Matthew 6:25-34, wherein the heading is "Do Not Be Anxious". Trust me, I almost always have zero idea how to not be anxious, but what I do know how to do is trust God and pray that He'll constantly remind me that He has it together. Even when I do not. (Aka all the time).

I've been writing a lot of posts on the theme of relationships lately, and this one is no different. I'm on a roll y'all, so buckle up.

I have this issue. This thing. This "beef" if you will. People are always saying "He's my other half" or "she's my other half" or "I'm looking for someone who completes me", etc.

But like, NO. That makes me cringe. I don't want that.

Why?

Because I'm already complete on my own. (And so are you!)

God didn't create you and then say,

"You are only half a person. Now you must go out into the world and tirelessly search for the man/woman who is your other half."

I spent far too many years in high school (and embarrassingly enough, a couple of years in college as well) thinking that I needed a boyfriend in order to complete me.

But that's so not true! And honestly, I feel so much freer now that I've made that realization.

Please always remember that Jesus is the only one who completes you. Yes, He made you complete on your own, but He also longs for His creation to recognize their undeniable need for Him.

I want someone who recognizes that I'm a whole person on my own. I don't need a man. However, in regards to my future husband, I will be choosing to be with him because I want to be, not because I have to be in order to be fulfilled and completed.

Because no human being can do that. Everyone will disappoint you and fail you at some point. Your best friend, your parents, your siblings, your significant other. The only one who will not fail you is Jesus. And that's part of the reason why He is the only one who completes you.

So please, I beg of you, learn from my mistake when it comes to this. You are complete on your own. There is so much freedom that is found in singleness. And I know that everyone says that and you're tempted to roll your eyes and stop reading and simply not believe me because it seems so cliché, but fam, it's true.

You can take so much more time to focus on yourself. Focus on your relationship with God. Focus on your schoolwork. Focus on your job. Focus on your hobbies, the things that you're good at and that make you feel good about yourself. Heck, focus on friendships that are actually currently a real thing instead of spending all of your time longing for, searching for, and striving for a relationship that doesn't even exist right now.

And don't get hung up on the lies. You know them. "I'm single now so I'll be single forever." "I'm so undesirable." So on and so forth. None of them are true. They may feel true, but they're not. Feelings are often dramatic, amplified, and just plain not true.

Remember that you're young. That's another thing that I used to roll my eyes at when someone said that to me. But for real, I'm twenty and I'm still finishing up my Bachelor's. While I may be ready for a boyfriend, I'm so not ready to settle down with a husband yet. So wait it out. Be patient. A beautiful relationship will likely unfold when you're least expecting it.

But until then, chill out. Breathe. Enjoy your freedom. Smile. Don't focus on the lies. Patience! You're already complete in the Lord.

Last night I was scrolling through Tumblr (yes I have one of those, and yes I stay away from the sketchy side of it) and I came across this wonderful quote from Pastor Rick Warren:

Lately, I've been thinking a lot about marriage.

Aaand let's just woah a minute, and pause right here. I'm twenty. I'm single. I ain't thinking about my own marriage-that-doesn't-even-yet-exist, but rather the concept of marriage in general.

And relationships.

I'm gonna branch out on a limb here and make the bold statement that I think we have our priorities out of whack. We focus too much on looks.

We want a guy (or girl) who's all muscle-y and buff (or real skinny). We want someone who has bright eyes, a handsome (or pretty) face, straight white teeth, and a jawline that can cut diamonds.

But is that really practical?

In the end, if you look great and sound great and act great but you don't know Jesus, who cares?

Fo' real people. We ourselves need to be focused on Jesus, and when looking for a life partner, at the top of our list it should say "Someone who wholeheartedly loves Jesus and is seeking to bring Him glory." (And yes, I'll admit that I actually have a written list. Don't hate.)

As the Bible says in Isaiah 40:8:

"The grass withers, the flower fades, but the Word of our God will stand forever."

The point of this verse is that everything in this life is temporary. Except for the Word of God. This means that when that handsome or pretty face is wrinkled and weathered and potentially not as pretty as it once was, and that jawline is dull and no longer capable of cutting diamonds, what are you left with?

Are you left with someone who is continuing to lead you towards Christ? Someone who is honest? Living their life with integrity? Still seeking after God and striving to do what pleases Him most?

If you think the answer to those questions has the strong potential to be "no", it may be necessary for you to re-think your spousal priorities. And I'm guilty of this too (otherwise, how would I have had this realization?). I'm preachin to the choir... I think that means I'm preaching to myself. If it doesn't, I'm preaching to myself as much as I'm preaching to whoever is out there reading this.

Now this isn't to say that physical attraction isn't important. Because it is. However, it becomes dangerous when outward appearance becomes our top priority when searching for a life partner. But honey, if he looks great, loves you, and ultimately loves Jesus, then congratulations! You are one #blessed woman.

I've always loved this quote by Matt Chandler, so let me end with it:

"Can I say something to young ladies here? I'm trying to pick my words carefully. Your husband, whoever he is, single ladies, will have an unbelievable amount of influence over your sons and daughters in regards to spiritual things. If you want your children to love Jesus deeply, hold out for a man that is godly. And let me tell you this: I am well aware that godly men are rare. Lots of neat Christian boys, not a lot of godly men. But don't settle, because it's better that you be lonely now than you be married and lonely later. Are you tracking with me? It is better that you be lonely now than for you to get married to a man that will teach your kids everything but the way of Jesus."

Our looks will wither and fade, just like the grass and the flowers, so find yourself a spouse whose love for the Lord our God will stand forever.

The other night as I was getting ready for bed, this thought came to me.

Life is so much more about trusting God than it is about knowing what's going on.

Sure, we always want to know what's going to happen next, but that's not really important if we're waking up each morning and walking through the day hand-in-hand with the God who created the universe.

We need to give up control (and that's something that I struggle with every day). We need to trust that whatever the outcome of a situation is, God is using that ultimately for His glory and our good. It may not seem "good" in the moment, but as children of God, we need to live our lives with an eternal perspective.

We need to focus our eyes on God, not on the difficulties.

And I get it; that's hard. We can't physically see God, and sometimes we struggle to figure out whether or not He's actually there - 'how can He be when everything hurts?', we may ask ourselves, But what we can see are the difficulties. A friendship is falling apart. You're failing a class. Bills are piling up and the money to pay them all is nowhere to be found.

But God.

He is always there. How can we know that? Because the divinely inspired words of the Bible say so. Simply one example of this is found in Matthew 28:20 where Jesus says, "And remember. I will be with you always, to the very end of the age."

Always. That means all the time. Every moment.

Christians are sometimes guilty of saying that they don't "feel God". But... What does that even mean? God's ever-presence in our lives has nothing to do with feeling Him. We simply know (and trust) that He is there because His Word says that He is.

So keep that in mind the next time you feel alone, overwhelmed, forgotten, unhappy, or even when you're feeling joyful and on top of the world! The Lord is always present and He calls us to trust Him - even when we don't know what's going on.

As humans, it's always so easy to focus on ourselves and put our needs first. We think that once we sort our crap out, we'll be in a better mindset and therefore be better able to help other people and meet their needs. I do believe that there's some validity to that but at the same time, focusing only on our own needs can become consuming and dangerous.